Ruby Reborn/Transcript
Brent Leroy: Want me to fill it up? Man: Sure. You know, I've, uh, never driven across Saskatchewan before. Brent: You still haven't really. About halfway to go yet. Man: It sure is flat. Brent: How do ya mean? Man: You know, flat, nothin' to see. Brent: What do you mean, like topographically? Hey, Hank. This guy says Saskatchewan is flat. Hank Yarbo: How do ya mean? Brent: Topographically I guess. He says there's nothin' to see. Hank: There's lots to see. There's nothin' to block your view. Brent: Lots to see, nothin' to block your view. Like the mountains back there. They're, uh...well, what the hell? I could have sworn there was a big mountain range back there, juttin' up into the sky, all purple and majestic. I must be thinkin' of a postcard I saw or somethin'. It is kinda flat. Thanks for pointing that out. Man: You guys always this sarcastic? Brent: Nothin' else to do. Hank: Aw! Brent, this coffee tastes terrible! Brent: Oh. Let me refund your money. What did you pay for it, zero? Here ya go. Come again. Hank: I'm not complaining. I'm just saying the coffee tastes terrible. Tastes like it's been filtered through a wig. When's the coffee shop opening up again? Brent: Should be soon. Lacey's been over there workin' like a rented donkey ever since she got into town. Hank: She's not gonna change it too much, is she? Turn it into one of those snooty Toronto restaurants or eateries. Brent: I have no idea what she's gonna do to the place. Said she wants to reveal it all at what I believe she referred to as a gala reopening. Hank: Is it gala or "gayla." Brent: Wear whatever you want. Hank: Lacey. What kinda name is that anyway? I mean can't it be somethin' normal? Have you talked to her much? She's not a snob is she, is she, she snobby? Brent: No, she's not a snob. She wears a tiara. Hank: Really? Well, I don't know. I mean what do any of us know about her? Brent: She's Ruby's niece from Toronto. What do you need to know? Hank: Hey, Wanda. What do you know about Lacey person? Wanda Dollard: I know she doesn't have cataracts, so you don't have a chance. Brent: Scorch! Wanda: Pow! Hank: I just want some good coffee, that's all. Brent: Look, we all want the coffee shop to be open again. God knows I miss Ruby's chili cheese dog, but you don't hear me complaining about it. Wanda: You were just complaining two minutes ago. Brent: Yeah, but Hank didn't hear that. Wanda: Oh. Hank: Is it unreasonable to be curious about a new person in town? Does she have a criminal record? That's a reasonable question. Does she do drugs? That's a valid inquiry. Brent: Maybe she doesn't want us in the coffee shop because she's turning the whole place into a methamphetamine lab. Get the town kids hooked on the meth and the crack cocaine. Because once they're hooked on that you know what's next. Marijuana, then jazz music and forget about it. Hank: Why are you teein' off on me? Brent: I don't want everybody in town gossiping, you know? It was hard enough for Lacey to move from Toronto to Dog River, Saskatchewan. Plus everyone's comparing her to her Aunt Ruby. Those are big shoes to fill. Hank: Okay, fine. But I think you're overreacting. And Dog River's a good town. We'll give her a fair shake. Lacey Burrows: Well, that's fair. Brent: Yeah. Hi, Lacey. I was kinda hopin' you wouldn't see this. Wanda: The guy who runs the paper's just desperate for a story. You're the biggest news to hit town since that little space rock landed in Anderson's farm. Brent: Killed one of his chickens. He tends to sensationalize. So don't panic, it's not that bad. Lacey: Oh yeah, I suppose. I mean they could have run a photo of me in a Hitler moustache tossing puppies into a wood chipper. Hank: Does such a photo exist? Wanda: Lacey, I don't believe you've met Hank? Lacey: Hi, Hank. Nice to meet you. Hank: My condolences on your Aunt Ruby passing away. She, she was an amazing woman. Lacey: Thank you. She was. Hank: And her, uh, apple crumble was about as addictive as, uh, crack cocaine, wouldn't you say? Brent: Subtle. Karen Pelly (radio) : Car 1 to car 2. Car 1 to car 2. Come in, car 2. Davis Quinton (radio): I'm car 1. Karen (radio): I thought I was car 1. Davis (radio): I'm always car 1. Karen (radio): Really? 'Cause my car's got a big 1 on it. Davis (radio): What do you want, Karen? Karen (radio): I thought whoever spoke first was car 1. Davis (radio): Can you forget about the car thing? Are you still in position? Karen (radio): Yes. I'm in the surveillance zone shielded by appropriate ground cover. Davis (radio): You're by the bush. Karen (radio): The surveillance bush. Davis (radio): Fine. Be sure and let me know if all hell breaks loose out there. Karen (radio): Roger that. Oscar Leroy: Right side's low. Brent: How about now? Oscar: Still low. Brent: Now? Oscar: Low. Brent: Now? Oscar: Now it's way too high. Brent: Is there something you need, Dad? Oscar: Yeah. When's that...wait a minute. What does that sign say? Brent: Well take it slow. Sound it out. Oscar: I can read it, smart guy. But we don't rent movies. Brent: We didn't rent movies. We do now. Oscar: No, we don't. Get that down. This isn't a movie house. It's a gas station. Brent: And convenience store. Nowhere else in town rents movies. Folks gotta drive all the way into Wullerton if they want to rent a video. That's not very convenient. Oscar: This will just confuse people. They won't know if this is a gas station or a drive-in theatre. What are you in show business now? The gas business not good enough for ya? Ya gotta be Ed Sullivan? We got a great shew. We got a really big shew. What the hell are you thinking? Brent: I'm thinking your Ed Sullivan needs work. Lacey: "Destroys local landmark." I didn't destroy it. Wanda: And it's not really a landmark. Lacey: So the only true word in this is "woman"? Wanda: Actually, that's pretty good for the Howler. Lacey: I could sue. Hank: Oh, we're not real big on lawsuits here in Saskatchewan. Voice Mail: You've reached the Dog River Howler. Please leave a message. Hank (phone) : Yeah. I'd like to report that you guys suck. I also have a question for ya. Why do you guys suck so much? Hank: These are just ideas. Wanda: We're just thinkin' off the cuff, here. Lacey: Well, what's with the melons? Hank: Uh, they make a big splat. Wanda: Yeah. Lacey: Oh. Brent: There, how's that look? Wanda: Right side's low. Brent: Geez, really? Wanda: Mm-hmm. Brent: Maybe I have an inner ear disorder. Are my legs the same length? Oscar: Oh, good gravy! You're not gonna hang movie posters all over the place too? Brent: Well, we gotta let folks know we rent videos now. Oscar: Ridiculous! What's next, a waterslide? Turn the gas station into a big family fun park with movies and ferris wheels and circus elephants blowin' up balloons. Brent: There's elephants now. Wanda: Mm-hmm. Brent: Oh hey, Mom. Emma Leroy: Hi there. Do you still carry baker's yeast, or do I have to go all the way to the co-op? Oscar: Emma, tell your idiot son to get his head out of the clouds. Brent: And tell my crank of a father to go home and look up the word "retired." Emma: So is there baker's yeast, or do I gotta go to the co-op? Lacey: Who is it? Davis: You'll have to open up, ma'am. Police business. Lacey: Is this official police business, or do you just want coffee? Davis: Do you have any on? Lacey: Oh look, I really don't want to let anybody inside until I'm finished redecorating. If you're desperate for a good cup, I'll brew some and bring it out. Okay? Davis: God bless you, ma'am. Lacey: Call me Lacey. Davis: God bless you, Lacey. Emma: What are you two on about? Oscar: Your son is turning the gas station into a movie theatre! Brent: Yeah, bear in mind, Dad has a tendency to overstate things. Oscar: I have never overstated a single thing in the history of the planet. Brent: Yeah. Remember when I suggested we get some uniforms? Some nice, simple Corner Gas uniforms? You said people would think we were Nazis. Oscar: I said they might think we were Nazis. Emma: Now both of you hush up. Oscar, when Brent took over the business you knew he'd make some changes, so butt out. Brent: Thank you. Emma: And you, your father ran this business for nearly 40 years, so I expect you to show some respect for his opinions. Oscar: Yeah! Brent: Geez, you're askin' a lot, ma. Emma: Well, pretend to show some respect for his opinion. Oscar: Yeah! Brent: But, he's never even rented a video. He doesn't know what he's talkin' about. Oscar: I don't want to know what I'm talking about! Brent: See, he doesn't understand how it works, but he's against it. It's like the touch-tone phone all over again. Dad, didn't you always tell me not to judge something before trying it out? Emma: When the hell did he say that? Oscar: Yeah, when the hell did I say that? Brent: All right. You probably never did. But it's something most fathers would tell their kids. It's good advice. Emma: Well, there it is. You let Brent rent you a video like you're a customer. Once you find out how it works, then you can make an ass outta yourself. Oscar: I'm not gonna rent a movie. Brent: It's a waste of time. Emma: Do you want me to come over there? Wanda: Do you know you're my hero? Karen: Wow. Sparrows can do 40. Hmm. Davis (radio): Karen, are you there? Karen (radio): This is car 1. Davis (radio): No, you're not car 1. But you might want to head back into town. Karen (radio): Got trouble? You need backup? Davis (radio): The new girl is brewing real coffee. Lacey: You want a refill? All: Yes, please! Brent: Aah! Aah! Oh, man, that was good! Oscar: I knew I missed Ruby, God rest her, but I didn't realize how much I missed that coffee. Brent: Well, you ready? Oscar: Let's get this over with. Oscar: Okay, rent me one of your stupid movies. Brent: Certainly sir, do you have a membership card? Oscar: What? Brent: No? All right. I'll just fill out one of these forms here for you. Name? Oscar: You know my damn name. Brent: Of course. It's Oscar Leroy. It's Leroy, right? All right now, I'm just going to need an address. Oscar: Address? I live right over there, ya idiot! Brent: I'm sorry, sir, I need an actual street address. Oscar: Well I don't know the damn street address. Your mother knows the number. You know where the house is! You grew up there for the love of mutt. Brent: Actually, I don't think I know the number either. Is it 608? Or 806? Maybe it's just 86. I'm just gonna just put "big house by the west road." Okay. Now do you have a major credit card? Oscar: I'm outta here. Brent: All right, hang on. Here you go, Jaws. It's a classic. Oscar: It's not dirty or gross, is it? Brent: It's about fishing. Oscar: Oh. Wanda: Do you really think your Dad's gonna like Jaws? Brent: He might, if he owned a VCR. Oscar: You're smart. Brent: What? Oscar: How am I supposed to watch the Jaws show if I don't have one of those movie machines for my TV? Brent: You and Mom don't have a VCR? I had no idea. I'll be happy to rent you one, nine bucks. Oscar: Just give me the machine. Brent: All right, do you have your membership card? Oscar: Just give me the machine! Brent: All right, relax. Here. Now I'm just gonna need a $200 deposit. Oscar: You're gonna need $200 for dental work if you don't give me the stupid machine! Wanda: You know, Jaws is a pretty intense movie. Is it a good idea to rent that to your old man? He's wound tight enough as it is. Brent: It doesn't matter. In a million years he'll never figure out how to hook that up to the TV. Emma: Wow. Lacey's been really busy. I wouldn't recognize the place. Oscar: Didn't need to do all this. A waste of money, change for change sake. Wanda: It looks like Martha Stewart blew up. Brent: I feel mildly violated. Lacey: Hi, you guys. Emma: Hello, there. Lacey: What do you think? Oscar: Good, good. Brent: Wonderful. Oscar: High time for a change. Wanda: It looks like Martha Stewart was in here. Brent: I feel mildly refreshed. Lacey: Gosh! I am so glad you like it. I was really worried about what people would think, after I was attacked by the media. Emma: Media? Lacey: The paper, the Dog River Howler. Emma: That's not media. That's Gus Tompkins. He's about as sharp as a sock full of soup. I don't think he's ever got a story right. Aw, folks will get used to the changes around here. Lacey: Yeah. Emma: Besides, where else are they gonna go? They're gonna drive all the way into Wullerton for coffee? Lacey: That is so sweet. I'm going go get a mop. Emma: All righty. Hank: What the hell did she do to this place? Brent: Here we go. Just settle down, Hank. It's just a little different. Hank: Different? We're in the seventh circle of hell, here. Look at this. Where's the old clear salt and pepper shakers? You can't see inside these ones, how are you supposed to know which is which? Emma: One shaker is black and one shaker is white. Brent: Take a leap of faith. Hank: Well, what if it's a trick? Wanda: Then shake some on your hand. Hank: That's unsanitary. Brent: I've seen you eat gum off your shoe. Hank: What's that got to do with anything? There's freaky abstract art on the walls. She put, she put these weird cloths on the table. Brent: You mean tablecloths? Hank: It's too much. She's turned the coffee shop into a gay bar. Oscar: Who is? Hank: You guys can pretend everything's okay if you want, but I'm gonna fight this. Emma: It's her place. She can do what she wants with it. Hank: Well, I got two words "boy", "cot." I'm gonna put this place out of business. Brent: Hank, if you had the power to put companies out of business by just not being a customer, why am I still able to buy mouthwash? Wanda: Yeah. And deodorant. Emma: Clean underwear. Brent: Books. Wanda: Pants that fit. Emma: Nail clippers. Brent: Dandruff shampoo. Wanda: Um, dental floss. Emma: Toilet paper. Oscar: Pickup trucks. Brent: You don't know what we're doin', do ya, Dad? Oscar: Shut up. Brent: So, here we are, finest drinking establishment in all of Dog River. Lacey: Nice! It's nice, kinda homey. Brent: If you grew up in a home full of pickled eggs and pinball. Waitress: What can I get you? Brent: Rye and water. Waitress: What a shock. I meant her. Lacey: I feel like something celebratory, something to signify a fresh start and a new future. Waitress: Beer? Lacey: All right. But can you make it imported? Brent: So, how do you think things went today? Lacey: Pretty well. Ah, a few people complained about the pink walls. Which was odd, because they're not pink, They're dusty rose. Some say toe-may-toe, some say toe-mah-toe. Brent: Right. But, just for the record, around here it's always toe-may-toe. Lacey: One thing's for sure, Hank hated it. Brent: Why do you say that? Hank: Bllppp! Lacey: I can read people. Brent: Oh, hey, Dad. You know you have to return that video by tomorrow or I'm gonna have to charge you a late fee. Oscar: Good luck collecting that. Brent: Dad rented Jaws. Lacey: Oh, that's one of my favourite movies. Did you like it? Oscar: Yeah, sure. It was pretty good. Brent: So, you got the VCR hooked up then? Oscar: Of course, a piece of cake. Brent: Really? So what was your favourite part of the movie? Oscar: The shark parts. Brent: Which, which shark parts? Oscar: They were all pretty good. The shark in the water there being all mean and whatnot. Brent: Did you like the part where the shark fought the dinosaur? Oscar: Yeah. Yeah, it was okay, I guess. Brent: How about where the shark grows legs and climbs up on the beach and has a sword fight with the sheriff? Oscar: Ah, that part was a little far fetched for my taste. Lacey: My favourite part was when the shark went back to his home planet. It made me cry. Oscar: Yeah, it choked me up too. I gotta go. Lacey: He must have the director's cut. Lacey: I wish Hank would stop this stupid boycott. Brent: Well, I've known him since we were six. I'll go talk to him. I can probably find a way to reason with him. Lacey: That'd be great. Brent: There, just like when we were six. Emma: What the hell are you doing? You don't need tools to hook up a video machine. Oscar: How would you know? Emma: We use them at the church sometime. Oscar: What are you doing? You hook it up wrong and the TV will blow up in my face. Brent: The video machine has three plugs, red, yellow and white. The TV has three holes, red, yellow and white. Honestly! Oscar: Oh, it's one of the Japanese models. Sure, yeah. They just do the, the plug thing, the Japanese ones. Emma: I swear you're getting dumber. Oscar: I am not. Emma: Come on. Pickup trucks? Oscar: I didn't know what you were doing. Hank: You're not going to intimidate me with your strong-arm goon tactics. I'm standing by my principles. Brent: Your principles. Who are you Lech Walesa? It's a coat of paint and tablecloths. Get over it. Hank: The walls are pink, Brent, pink. You're drinking your coffee in a barbie dream house. Lacey: It's not pink. Brent: It's dusted tomato. Lacey: Don't you think you're overreacting? I mean, come on, a boycott? Look it, I'm not clubbin' baby seals in here. And I'm not using Honduran children to make sneakers. Hank: You could be clubbing baby seals with Hondurian children, I don't care about that. But this? Come on! Brent: All right. First of all, it's not Hondurian. Second of all, this has gone on long enough. All right? Yes, the walls are a different colour and you can't see inside the salt shakers. But the coffee's still great. And that's it, there's not going to be any more changes. Go ahead Lacey, tell him. Lacey, tell him there's not going to be any more changes. You're not done with the changes? I'm getting the feeling there are yet to be further changes. Oscar: Emma! You set this up wrong. There's supposed to be a sword fight. Who's dumber now? Huh, Emma? Lacey: There it is, my last change. What do you think? Brent: Hank, if you still boycott the place after this, I'm gonna break more than your sign. Hank: You did a real good thing here, Lacey. Let's go inside. I want to buy a round of coffee. When I say "round of coffee," I just mean Brent and me. Everyone else is on their own. Davis: I don't care what it says on the dashboard, I'm always car 1. Karen: Fine. Brent: So you were able to survive the big boycott, were ya? Lacey: Does Hank always get so worked up over nothing? Brent: No, just most of the time. Lacey: Ah. So what can I get ya? Brent: Oh, I'm starvin'. Can I get the chili cheese dog, please? Lacey: Oh, I'm sorry, I took the hotdogs of the menu. Category:Transcripts